A long time ago (just another endless tangent)

It doesn’t matter anymore. The previous blog… or the one that you never got to see no longer matters because today, I forgot all about him. For the past two years, the person who usually popped into my head when I wrote a story was him, but now it’s all changed. No one in particular comes to mind and I’m quite okay with that. There’s always been more to life than falling in love.

Growing up, all I ever wanted was to fall in love with someone who understood me as well as I knew me. I wanted to be with someone who didn’t annoy the hell out of me every few seconds. I wanted a best friend who would see me as his first priority, just like in a fairy tale.

In the Swan Princess, Odette and Derek grew up together. Every summer she’d go with her dad and there, even though she disliked him, she got to know Derek.

In Sleeping Beauty, Aurora always dreamt about her prince. Even though they’d only met once, which was when she was still too young to really remember, she knew the moment she saw him that he was the guy in her dreams.

For Cinderella, well, things played out pretty well for her. And even in the third movie, despite all the obstacles, she was brave enough to even just fight for his love.  Same goes for Ariel of Little Mermaid, even though “coincidentally” she met Eric, he’d fallen for her too. Just knowing her voice… it was enough.

The list goes on. Jasmine (Aladdin), Meg (Hercules), Snow White…

Then there’s Pocahontas who fell in love with one and ended with another. Things happen for a reason is what I want to tell myself. But if I don’t even have the energy to live anymore, I’m pretty sure that the fact I’m endlessly talking about this is because I might just be giving up this dream. Maybe for now.

I’m still a girl and there’s nothing wrong with wishing something like this.

I’m done searching for the guy in my dreams or trying to reach my brother. I’m done trying to smile just because I want to protect people. I’m going to be sad because I want to be and because it’s what I’m feeling.

Blegh, all talk and no action. Let’s just see how tomorrow goes.

I currently have a migraine from coloring my hair. The color doesn’t even show. -_-

I just wanted you all to know that.

As I child, I’ve always been deprived and restrained. I’ve always blamed others for my misfortune despite the fact that I knew it wasn’t. I know that it’s been my decision, from the day I first day I felt miserable to now. I can only be a pessimist because it’s what I know.

Back to my main topic. I grew up having random tantrums and making myself feel like everyone was at fault for all my problems. I made believe that I had to take up all the responsibility concerning my brother without a bit of hesitation. I could have left it to my parents. Let them deal with him without a single word from me. That could have been a different direction, but I’m stubborn. I like to voice out my opinions without even thinking about them first.

I should learn to count to ten first before speaking.

I’m ill-mannered, a fake, and a push-over. I can’t restrain myself when too much has been pent up. There’s no way I can tell people what I 100% feel. If I did, everyone would be depressed. I wouldn’t want that because I’m selfish too, I just want to protect those who think are close to me. … I just want to protect those who are close to me. … I just want to protect those who I’ve told are close to me. … those who I care for? those who are important to me? who think they are important to me? who have known me for a long time?… oh whatever. and not because I want to keep all the sadness to myself. I’m not a masochist or a sadist… no wait, I think I’m both. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I am.

For someone who just cut herself  days ago (april 24) and for someone who actually really does love to think about sucky stuff just to make herself cry… yupp, I’m both. But don’t ask, and don’t talk about any of this to me. I don’t want another opinion. One was enough and even though it wasn’t as original as I’d hoped, as my “brother”, he did really well to repeat something that was in my head. It wasn’t an annoying point of view and it wasn’t something I wanted to smack someone with. I wouldn’t say it was an awakening either because after that, I re-opened the cut. ANYWAY, I’m all better now. I fixed myself.

Don’t go talking to me about this. I repeat for emphasis. If you want to see the cut, go ahead and ask. There’s not much to see. If you want to tell me  what you think, go ahead and comment. I will read it but know that I’ll be hating on you for quite some time. And know that, You’re an annoyance x2 for every word you say that relates to my cutting. Yes, I will hate you. Also, small hints are forbidden. I’ll hate you for that too. Maybe not hate. I’ll probably just all in all stop talking to you. This is fair warning for everyone!!! So, keep from mentioning this to me or anyone else UNLESS they have read this themselves. I also know that people who are, location wise, close to me seldom read this. There’s a few and I know who they are. SOO… if suddenly the number of people who I know, read this… just know that I know who could have possibly told them. Just saying. Don’t butt into my business. I blog for the sake of ranting not to read your damn opinion. If I wanted an opinion, I will ask. But I don’t.

(Just to say this…There’s never been a time where what I have said has been wrong. Opinions are opinions.)

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